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dead end relationship or just depressed? Let's get into it...
This week, I am bringing you the inaugural Bethline x Oversharing advice column. For those of you that may have missed last week’s Oversharing, once a month I will be bringing my Covid era hotline Bethline back to life. Here is where you can ask me questions you’d like advice on! It’s all anonymous, so have no fear, I won’t know who the hell you are if you’re a creep or a weirdo!
Let’s begin (feels like something a therapist would say.)
“Is my relationship dissatisfying and boring or am I in a depressive episode and looking for something to blame?”
Dear Dissatisfied or Depressed,
The amount of times I have asked myself this exact same question at one point or another in my life is, well, far too many to count. Before I dig into it, you are not alone in this feeling. I’d venture to guess that a lot of people reading this have probably also asked themselves this question and are maybe even asking themselves this at the current moment.
Whenever I feel dissatisfied, in any of my relationships, I like to check in and ask myself a few questions…
Am I doing all of my “things?” By “things” I mean all of the rituals in my tool box of “self-care” that help me stay sane. For me that can look like; journaling, exercise or spending time in nature.
Am I feeling creatively fulfilled?
Is this person adding value to my life?
Am I being communicative about my needs?
Listen, sometimes I have to hit the very, very bottom of the proverbial well before I even think to ask myself these questions. There have been times where in my mind I’m already halfway to Santa Fe (that is where I imagine my retired, kaftan clad, single self) with all my belongings packed up in my car ready to start a new life, and then suddenly I remember … oh, there are questions I can ask myself before I throw this life away to start a new one. For me, that is step one.
So, let’s go through this list together, shall we?
Are you doing your “things?” I find that when I feel dissatisfied in life, it is usually because I am off balance or out of *flow.* I get bitchy and I want to isolate and never talk to anyone ever again, but in reality, I know that is not going to actually make me feel better. And maybe I do need like, a few hours of bitchy loner-ism, but after that, I have to drag my ass to the notebook and dump all my feelings onto the page to get my mind right. I would suggest you try this out. What is something that makes you feel more aligned with your own sanity? Do that thing. Try to do it everyday if you can. If are unable to stick with it, write yourself a note. I find that physically writing it out and putting it somewhere I can see it everyday motivates me way more than putting it in my phone (my phone does NOT motivate me, but hey, that’s just me!) Your “things” are just for you too. You don’t need to involve your partner in them. These can be your own rituals for bettering yourself and your mood. Every relationship needs autonomy, and when you have your “things” - you have a space to nurture just you!
Number two can kind of go hand in hand with number one - are you feeling creatively fulfilled? Maybe being creative is one of your things. Creativity is so important to me, if I am not doing something that scratches my creative itch, I feel lost at sea! And when I am lost at sea, everything sucks! Creativity for me doesn’t even have to mean sitting down and writing a song or making an album. It can literally be going for a walk and looking at all the beautiful flowers. Noticing a bird on a wire. Listening to a song on repeat that makes me feel something (right now it is that Sabrina Carpenter “Please Please Please” song - I can NOT get enough.) I believe that creativity can be whatever we decide it is. Maybe you need to go your local dollar store and buy some art supplies and sit outside for an hour and draw. Or watch a movie you’ve seen 500 times that always makes you feel inspired and joyful (You’ve Got Mail for me.) Creativity is a life force in my book, so if I am not being creative in some form, well then, I am dead as far as I’m concerned. Try it out. See if it helps you feel less blah. And remember that you get to define what being creative is, it takes the pressure off.
Number three is one that I have to ask myself over and over again when I get into the headspace you are currently in. I can come up with an excuse for anyone to convince myself they are a waste of my time. I personally think it is something I adopted as a form of protection - like, if I can make that person a bad guy, or a loser, then I have an excuse to run in the opposite direction and therefore save myself from the pain that they may one day inflict on me. If I control the pain, then I can’t get hurt! But I think we both know that’s not how it works … pain is pain, whether self inflicted or placed upon us by someone else. If someone in your life makes you feel seen, heard, supported or safe, they are adding value to your life! If someone is kind of annoying and self centered, but picks up the phone when you need them and genuinely supports you, well then, they are human, but they are still adding value to your life. NO ONE IS PERFECT. Let me repeat that. NO ONE IS PERFECT. I have ruined relationships with perfectly great people by simply expecting them to be perfect. Or even worse, expecting them to be someone they aren’t capable of being. You have to really decide for yourself what “adding value” to your life means. I know what that looks like for me, the bar used to be pretty low tbh, but after cutting a few stinkers lose, I figured out what it actually means to me. This is where a pros and cons list can come in handy too. Write out the best parts of your partner and what they bring to your life. Then write out the things that you feel are missing. Do the pros outweigh the cons? If the cons outweigh the pros, are there specific pros that you just couldn’t live without and maybe some cons that can be worked on with them? Believe me, it is beyond annoying to have to be so logical about life, this I know. But I have also found that being logical is the thing that has saved me from self sabotaging everything in my life that is actually working. Well I guess this is growing up?
Last on the list, are you being communicative? Communication is hard! It feels easier to just stay quiet in the corner scoffing. It’s the same part of your brain that feels like running away from a decent person will protect you. Staying quiet about what you need or how you feel is not doing you any favors. Communicating your needs also requires vulnerability which turns out is, TERRIFYING! But, a person who really loves you and really wants what is best for you, is going to sit there and listen to you. They might get defensive, because again, no one is perfect, but hopefully they have the ability to recognize where the defensiveness is coming from and hear you out. I had to figure out how to express my dissatisfaction in a … gentle way. Speaking in “I feel” statements it’s really helpful here. Pointing fingers and saying “you are” is only going to make the other person more defensive. When you try and keep it to how someone’s actions, or lack thereof, might make you feel, I find it is much easier to get through to them. I also had to figure out how to follow the string of dissatisfaction back to myself and separate what belongs to me and what belongs to them. No one person is ever going to satisfy all of your needs. That is just fact. And I personally don’t think that has to be a bad thing! As I said before, all relationships need autonomy, if we were doing every single thing in our lives with our partner, or depending on them to make everything in our world feel exactly right, we are putting wayyyy too much pressure and expectation on one singular person to fulfill all of our needs. I know plenty of people in relationships who expect their partner to fulfill their every need and they are usually really unhappy! Because yeah, no, it’s impossible for your partner to make you feel 100% all of the time. They are over there trying to make themselves feel 100%, they can’t possibly provide it for you too. We are not robots. So much of our satisfaction with our lives is dependent on us and what we bring to our own table. It is so easy to think that an Amazon shopping spree or external validation in the form of likes and followers is going to bring us true joy and purpose, but it won’t! It will just keep us further from ourselves. You have to get honest with your partner about how you feel. What is missing? What could they be doing more or less of to make you feel better supported? What could you be doing more or less of to make them feel better supported? There is a chance they also feel dissatisfied and bored and you have no idea because you guys aren’t communicating! Talk to them. Gently. With love. See where each of you is at and figure out what you can do individually or as a team to ensure that you are both feeling good within the relationship.
If you are anything like me and have experienced really toxic and unhealthy relationships, a relationship that is “normal” can feel stagnant and boring at times. My relationships in the past always had chaos in them and there is nothing like a little chaos to make you feel alive honey! I had to learn that a loving, healthy relationship sometimes does feel boring! It’s not that it’s even boring … it’s just, stable. And it’s pretty easy for me to confuse stability with boredom. When you’ve been an anxiety junkie for the majority of your life, you feed off that feeling of instability. You think fighting = passion, and when there isn’t much of that to be found, well then, this must be lacking passion, right? Nope. Not necessarily. Maybe your relationship is lacking passion, but maybe it has nothing to do with it being stable. And when I say stable, believe me, I’m not suggesting you should never be fighting or that your relationship should be a breeze 24/7. Fights are normal. In my opinion, a good relationship is one that has great conflict resolution! If you are always fighting about the same thing and nothing ever seems to change, well, you may need to look deeper at that, but if you are fighting about something and you discuss it as a unit and do your best to evolve past it, or at least communicate about it better, you are on the right path.
As far as the depressive episode goes, babe, look. The world is … insane. It’s unbelievable to me that any of us are able to go on when we are inundated with so much horror on a daily basis. But in that same horror, there is joy, and love and laughter and sunshine, and baby birds being born on front porches. There is a lot to live for, even if it’s hard to find it and nail it down, we have our “things” to plug us back in whenever we get unplugged. And if your “things” are not yet defined, define them! My “things” are honestly always changing, because life is always changing! Being depressed is a nightmare, and sometimes, that nightmare puts a shadow of darkness over every aspect of our lives and makes it really fucking hard to remember the magic that is there.
I have this note that I keep above my desk that reminds me every day to look for the magic. Because it is always there. Sometimes, the magic reminds me that my relationship is wonderful. That the man I have chosen to spend my life with would do anything in his power to make sure I feel loved, seen and respected and that my Hydroflask is always full! Sometimes the magic reminds me that I have built an incredible life for myself that is still kicking, still thriving, even when I want to tell myself that it’s dried up and over. The magic is always there to remind you of something. Keep looking for it. And if you are struggling to find it even though you’re trying with all of your might … you ARE magic. I’m sorry to be all corny mom about it, but like, truly, you are. Life is a fucking trippy miracle. We are so blessed to be here, no matter how much our brains tell us otherwise. We are literally made of the same energy that makes up the stars babe!!! WE ARE THE MAGIC.
If after digesting all of this, Dissatisfied or Depressed, you still feel like you might be in a dead end relationship, that’s ok too. Relationships are teachers. Sometimes they teach us that we need more, or deserve more. Sometimes they teach us that we are dissatisfied and depressed and need to go out on our own little hero’s quest to figure out what will satisfy us and make us feel better. There is no wrong answer really. As much as it hurts to let something go when it stops working, there is always a rock that is not yet overturned with some sort of answer beneath it. You’ll find it. And then, you’ll find another rock. And another. And probably another. As I once said … it’s a journey.
I hope this wasn’t too life coachy or preachy. I may sound like I have it all figured out, but trust me, answering this question was as much for me as it was for you. Sometimes I forget and I have to be reminded that the answer is right there inside of me. So thank you for helping me find it.
Wishing you the best and reminding you … do your “things!!!!”
If you’ve got a question you’d like me to answer on Bethline, ask me here. I’ll be back next month with another dose of wisdom and (hopefully not bad) advice!
xo Bethany
Gosh damn it Bethany this was amazing! The reason you are my favorite artist is because you put my brain thoughts into words I don’t know how to say. I am going to say some of these words in couples therapy today! Amazing advice. Great writing.
Hi Beth, I appreciate the over sharing. First, I’m probably not your typical demo (50 something white dude) but have liked your music since California Nights when I first heard you.
Second, keep sharing. I think you’re a great writer with stories worth telling.
I’m not sure how I got on your mailing list but I enjoy the weekly read.
Thank you!